


How to make the most of your retirement (in two easy revenge plots)

by Mozzarella



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Fluff, In The Nicest Way Possible, Jack and Gabe torture their terrible neighbours, M/M, Married Couple, Neighbors, Old Married Couple, Post-Canon, why these two murderers so cute blizzard explain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:01:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21943294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mozzarella/pseuds/Mozzarella
Summary: In which Jack and Gabe have terrible neighbours, and they give as good as they get. A fun, short, dumb, and hopefully enjoyable piece for the gift exchange <3
Relationships: Reaper | Gabriel Reyes/Soldier: 76 | Jack Morrison
Comments: 4
Kudos: 67
Collections: Reaper76 Free For All Secret Santa 2019





	How to make the most of your retirement (in two easy revenge plots)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [accelgors](https://archiveofourown.org/users/accelgors/gifts).



> HOPE YOU LIKE IT, ACCELGORS :')

In theory, moving in together in a peaceful house in the suburbs was a great way to decompress from all the world-ending, world-saving stresses of life, especially for two old men whose only wish was to be left alone by everyone but each other.

In theory.

In practice, their nice, idyllic home in an environment neither of them was particularly accustomed to was situated between two equally, if completely differently, terrible neighbours.

“What do you think the odds are that we get the opposite ends of the shit spectrum with judgemental cardboard cut-out conservative grandparents and new age, live, laugh, love forty-something desperately looking to be part of a threesome with people who clearly don’t like her? If I knew this was how the world was gonna repay us for all the questionable shit we’ve done it would’ve put me on the straight and narrow,” Gabe snorted. Jack sighed, pointedly shoving a knife (handle-first) and chopping board to his husband of some years to get him to help prep a dinner he technically didn’t need, but enjoyed immensely anyway.

“They’re not that bad,” Jack grumbled.

“You’re only saying that because you have experience with dealing with awkwardly conservative grandmas being inappropriate with you back in Bloomington,” Gabe griped, giving Jack an illustrative squeeze of an asscheek.

“The combination of old people being bigoted and inappropriately sexual in one makes having the two separate tame in comparison, sure,” Jack said, swatting Gabe’s hand with impressive speed. “But I really do mean they’re not that bad. You just gotta know how to deal with their type. Direct action, instead of skulking at the windows hoping to catch them at it.”

“I don’t skulk,” Gabe began, but Jack shot him a look so incredulous that he had to concede the point. “Okay, fine, maybe turning into a living nano-mist makes for a lot of skulking action, but I do know the nice old white couple keeps checking on us in the kitchen window, and Miss Free Spirit Two Steps From Sexual Harassment is definitely peeking through our windows.”

Jack grinned. “I thought you liked being watched,” he challenged, watching Gabe’s eyes go hooded and his gaze drop a little ways down.

“Wow, Morrison. That’s kinky, even for you.”

“That’s Morrison-Reyes to you,” Jack shot back, and Gabe responded by coming up against his husband’s back and kissing the base of his neck where the pure white short hairs faded, not a hint of gold left in them.

“Guess so,” he murmured. “Don’t get me wrong. This is exactly the life I never thought I could have, and I’m glad to have it. But I guess I expected it to be perfect. Not vaguely unsettling with weird neighbours that we have to close our curtains to get any privacy from.”

“Don’t worry,” said Jack, his ensuing grin stretching the scars on his face. “I’ve got a plan.”

Gabe raised an eyebrow in interest and concern.

* * *

If Gabriel Reyes, now Reyes-Morrison, hadn’t become the leader of one of the world’s most effective and brutal black ops divisions, he would’ve probably been an actor. A costume designer, more than anything, but he had a dramatic streak in him a mile wide, which helped when they were undercover on missions, probably the only person in their group actually putting any effort into being convincing.

So when his husband had them both dress up like they were either 80 or 16 year olds from Bloomington with a checkered button-up each, armed with a casserole of all things and knocking on conservative neighbour couple’s door, Jack’s grin so bright and charming he almost looked a picture of his early strike commander days—Gabe played along, giving his own impression of a Golly Gee Shucks good boy from middle America, which he perfected watching Jack’s own.

The couple, who were in their eighties and liable to fall over based on the gobsmacked looks on their faces, clearly taking in Jack’s rough scars and Gabe’s face as a whole, which was fairly often met with profiling the further he got from coastal cities, and the dissonance of their behaviour.

“Kill ‘em with kindness,” Jack had said after they spent a perfectly pleasant afternoon buttering up their neighbours with the blandest of neighbourly practices, making small talk like they’d been trained for it since childhood, emphasising their veteran status for full shame on those judging them for their scars—and the cherry on top of the painfully vanilla sundae, assuring them they could keep the casserole dish because they were _just that nice_.

By the end of their visit, their neighbours had either come around to their undeniable, full force _niceness_ or were fully aware that acting unkind to neighbours who were nothing but pleasant would be a suburban faux pas too painful to bear.

They did some rounds with other houses down the street with couples and families a little less judgmental than their designated olds, and by the end of their visits and a few sweets (courtesy of Gabe’s extensive library of dessert recipes) passed along to their neighbourhood, they were known as _that nice soldier couple down the road_ and had been welcomed into the community, marked as entirely too pleasant to mess with.

It was as devious an assignment as any former Blackwatch Strike Commander Reyes had ever taken part in, and he and Jack were laughing their asses off in the privacy of their bedroom at the end of their very successful mission.

The second problem, in the form of their inappropriate younger neighbour, came with a solution that was much more complicated to plan but much less difficult to enact, and required them to time it perfectly to when she was settling into bed. 

Having some very active, very athletic sex with the window open while their neighbour spied on them from hers was the first step, with the second coming about a week later, when Jack came home sweaty from a run and filled Gabe in on act 2, and how he’d eventually have to contribute to act 3 of their very well-outlined plan.

“It’s called _you’re so in love with your husband you clearly have no interest in women,_ ” Jack said, sitting full and sweaty on Gabe’s lap. “It’ll require lying, but you’re good at that.”

“Ouch,” Gabe said without much heat, flipping Jack around with ease and having him straddle his ample thighs, grinning up at his husband in his obscene jogging shorts and ridiculous high socks. “My interests aside, I’ve really only got eyes for this one guy. A grumpy, crotchety old man who frowns like he’s got a ten pound weight on his brow, talks like a smoker of 80 years, and he’s the only one I’ve ever wanted to spend my life with.”

“Sap,” Jack said after a moment, his hardened features softening as he leaned in for a kiss.

“How much more torture do you think we can put our neighbour through once our other ridiculously attractive teammates come for the holidays?” Gabe asked as they pulled apart.

“About as much as we can put the olds through once they see Winston come through our door. That a gorilla can be more pleasant and neighbourly than any human they’ve ever met might ruin their entire worldview.”

“God, I love you, you crazy, manipulative old man,” Gabe murmured warmly.

“That’s why I keep you around,” Jack said in turn, though his smile against Gabe’s lips was too soft to mean more than _“I love you too.”_


End file.
